There has to be someone up there laughing.
Like it's all some big, elaborate, well-timed joke. Shiver at my side, pencil in my hand pausing over blank paper, "sleep away" knows exactly how I feel, sunlight tempts me silently, and as for me, well...I'm waiting to see if that "some day it will be" is ever really coming.
Laugh on my friends, laugh on.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
"What do you want from me? Just let me breathe a little. What do you want to see? What's in front of your eyes? What do you want to believe? Still nothing can be settled. Hold on to the words you say...It's no good"
When I think about everything, from the beginning to the end, I still can't see it. Maybe that's the point. Maybe it doesn't have to make sense and that's why its so hard to think about. Beyond any kind of pain or sadness, it's that blank space of having no answers, no reasons, no answers to the questions that can drive a person mad.
I haven't always done things right, Lord knows I've made the wrong decisions, hurt people, not always walked the right road. Hasn't everyone? But sometimes you know that you did the best you could with what you had. Is it too much to take pride in the things you worked hard for? For once I feel justified in saying that I gave my time and effort despite my fears, my uncertainties, my apprehensions. When you dare to step outside the world you know, you take the risk of being left there, staring at the dark without so much as a star to guide you out. It was a risk I was willing to take.
No matter how many mistakes I've made, I don't regret the things that have happened to me. Even if they hurt, even if they aren't great, those are the things that have built me from the ground up. I don't regret it. But this time, just this time...I feel that pang of regret stirring violently in my stomach. Regret for not getting the chance to prove it could be right. For not getting the chance to give my all. And I'm just stuck with it, that feeling. It grinds down my guts with a sickeningly slow pressure.
How do you take back what you gave with all your strength? The sad truth is that you can't. Nothing erases time, nothing makes it all go away. No matter how much anyone pretends that they can. I just wish I wasn't the only one that understood that.
In the face of it all, what do I say? In the midst of it all, what do I see? In the wake of it all, what do I believe?
Someone please tell me.
"Must be a dream I see, It's like deja vu again. Trying so hard to know inside of you. Staring at your eyes to feel...Wishing to break through to you, but it's a hopeless dream. So cold, you're beside me, smiling...Hey Liar, Hey Lair, this and everything is a lie, Enough already, I'm tired, so tired, What do you think of living without me?"
Monday, June 14, 2010
Easy isn't suppose to exist and therefore it doesn't. Nothing ever is and nothing ever will be. We all know it or at least the evil realist inside us does. And mine knows good and well that nothing in life is easy and this isn't any different. I expected it, was ready for it, waiting for it even. But not a whole lot prepares you for actually living it. It'd be nice to think I'm invincible, that nothing can phase me, nothing can stop me, and nothing can take my joy, ruin my day, steal my smile. But maybe the one thing all this has taught me is the limit of my own smile, laugh, will, and patience. Perhaps even my foundations. Now that's scary. Foundations. The thing/stuff/substance we're made us.
I can't really say I know what it is has gotten me here, maybe this, maybe that, maybe nothing, maybe everything, or at this point it could just be the silence. That lack of noise in my life. Who could have thought such a thing could chip away at a person? Maybe in a bizarre way this is an incite into a drama queen's drive to create crisis. Sometimes the lack of it can break you down more than anything else. Or at least that's what it seems to be, but I'm certainly not sympathizing with drama queens.
Screaming, crying, maybe even laughing is what I want to do. Just have a moment to let it all hang out so to speak. But it's an even more bizarre feeling when you've no energy left to scream, no tears left to cry, and no hazard to fuel a laugh. It's like staring at a reflection of yourself having a break down and seeing a stare instead. A blank, unmoving stare. Like an oil painting from back in the day when smiling was for babies and crazy people. More importantly though I realize that I don't want to scream, cry, or laugh. Somehow the blank has become so much more appealing.
It's even worse when you can see people needling away at you. Trying or maybe not even trying to chip away at that nice lacquer finish you glazed on to keep the cracks from showing. Funny thing is they think they are doing you some grand favor that you'll thank them for later. Too bad they haven't got a clue and you're probably closer to swinging away at their "matter of fact" face. Or worse they genuinely think they're right which might be even more disconcerting. You'd give them a piece of your mind if it wasn't such a complete waste of time and wasting time requires that energy you haven't got. So you give them bobble-head treatment and get on the next train to "Here We Go Again".
Sad thing is I know there is no room for any of this now. No one wants to hear it, not even me. I'd rather go to the "Unforeseeable Future" than stick around in "All Too Well Known Present" and the damn train just isn't arriving fast enough. So this is the part where I pop in my headphones, go into cruise control, and let the world figure out how fast it wants to go by my windows. (This is exactly what I intend to do by the way.) And hopefully somewhere in the width of the 2400 songs on my Ipod I will finally arrive, step outside, and the rest will lapse into that infamous "History". Until then I'm going to put faith in the thickness of my privacy glass and pray the gas meter doesn't hit 'E' before the end of it all. So here's to Sade's song "In Another Time" and in the words of Lauren Bacall from the ironically titled movie "To Have and Have Not":
"I'd walk if it wasn't for all that water."
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
My drawing skills were taking a bit of a back seat for a while with...well other stuff. But recently I've been hit by my drawing bug and have decided to do a bunch of little stuff just to keep my hand practiced. Surprisingly I've never drawn chibis before, but decided after trying one (the first of course being Jerimiha in the middle with the green hoodie...you can tell cause he's a bit bigger than everyone else XD) that it was a shit ton of fun. SO! In light of this discovery I decided to draw a huge group of my friends, all with various summer time foods in anticipation of what I hope is the best final summer ever.
The entire thing took me a few days to finish the outline then about 3-4 days to finish the coloring job. One criticism might be that the color scheme is a bit drab, but give a girl a break people, I'm in Japan with a pack of 25 colored pencils. I tried. And if you really want to know who every one is...sorry can't really do that since I'm A. too lazy to write it all down here and B. it's already on facebook. So this is mostly an entry for my own reference so that I know what I was thinking when I drew this.
Friday, March 26, 2010
I'd be telling a lie if I said that I believed that good things sometimes just happen to people. Not because I'm cynical or because I don't believe in miracles; on the contrary, I might be one of the few people who still does. But in all honesty I think most of the time I just don't consciously believe that good things can happen to me without a bit of effort on my part. Some things in life are just that way.
But what I do believe is that you have to know the bottom to appreciate the top. Now, I don't know if I ever really reached the bottom, but I can't help but cross my fingers hoping where I am now is heading towards the top. Maybe because it happened out of no where; I wasn't looking for it to happen and I didn't see it coming. Maybe its just because the best things in life happen when we don't think we're ready.
Maybe the past few years got me ready for this without me realizing it. God made sure I would understand just how good it was coming by giving me a pile of crap to deal with in the mean time. A year ago I wasn't wise enough, wasn't strong enough, wasn't brave enough to take a chance. To step out of my comfort zone, away from my uncertainty and fears to let someone else try and make me happy. But when I finally took a deep breath and took the plunge, I am left speechless. I almost can't find the words to wrap my mind around how I feel and how nice it is knowing someone out there feels the same.
It's amazing, electrifying, terrifying, magnificent, intense, overwhelming, to name just a few.
It might even be once in a lifetime and if it is, I just thank all the powers that be that I was at a place in life that I could recognize just how amazing what was being offered to me was. And so now I'm just kind of marveling at it all. It's a bit of a difficult situation because of the time frame in which it all happened, but I wouldn't change a thing. Not one thing. Once we conquer this hurtle, I refuse to let anything stand in the way. It's my turn to do something right.
And besides, the real battle is simply this: letting yourself be happy.
If this is my last chance to love you,
Then I'm going to play it like a grown girl ought to,
If I've only got one shot to win you,
Then call me Jordan 4th quarter in '92
I'm going to do it
No matter what your friends say
I'm going to do it
Believe me baby, i'm talking about the kinda change
From a girl to a woman,
Like Barrack and his plan
If this is my last chance yeah yeah