An Attempt at Expressing My Insanity

Beginning a project is always exciting, but this one specifically has got me extremely excited. For the first time, I've got a talented artist, a new friend and wonderful human being named Kyle, who is creating artwork from my drivels of words I've thrown up onto a page. It's always a special privilege when someone finds your work intriguing and inspiring enough to bring it to life on a page and I'm taking it with more than a bit of giddiness. That being said, I don't usually post samples of my work on here because I either don't think its worth anyone's time or I simply don't want to share. However, this time, I feel like this piece is worthy of a bit of showcase if for nothing else, to make a record or to at least give a taste of what I'm doing. So in the next few days or weeks, I plan to post up little portions of what I'm writing for both Kyle's benefit as well as my own. Can't promise it'll be amazing, but it will be something I'm starting to grow proud of for whatever it's worth. 


Here's to the creative cliff and jumping off. 

Epitaph in Silence

There seems to be no sympathy

For the people that we used to be

So we run out into the sea

Hiding no lies, we struggle and fight

Just for one moment to feel satisfied

Oh we try, and find there’s nobody inside

There’s just time.

Up and out we go, but nobody knows

How to find what will help us to grow

So we take a deep dive into the snow

Crying and wishing, we’d find ourselves missing

To come back and see loved ones sitting

Then come running, hugging, and kissing,

Only to wake up once more.

There seems to be no sympathy

For the people we used to be,

So we run out into the sea

Feeling so washed away, one day becomes every day,

Wondering if we should go or just try to stay,

Choking on words we never could say,

Only to end up alone.

Misplaced

It's a strange feeling; being misplaced. Like you've been there before but you just don't quite feel like you belong. I suppose it's should be frustrating by now but rather, it doesn't really make me feel like anything at all. Which is probably worse. Actually if I had to say how it makes me feel in particular, its mostly just...thoughtful. I've always been a horribly thoughtful person even when I try hard not to be. Sometimes it makes me feel like one of those people they make movies about whose mind just isn't quite on the same wave length as everyone else's. Not in a good or superior way. Just different. I suppose it doesn't really make a difference at the end of the day. It's not something I can change or go to the doctor to have fixed. And it's not like I'm broken or crazy or something like that.

I just am. I'm me. For better or for worse I suppose. Not really a comforting thought, but a true one.

But being me comes with its quirky qualities. Having constant obsessive needs to write and create and imagine being the biggest one. I serious do not think I have the capacity to go for even one hour without thinking of something imaginary. It's not that I hate my own life or anything that clique. I simply just see nothing in real life right now that warrants extra thought. I probably wouldn't be so caught up in my head if I talked to more people, but who the hell is really worth me trying to explain all this to? Certainly not anyone at this university. Yeah, I got friends here and I love them as much as I can, but they really don't want or care to understand. Which is all well and good with me because I don't really want to care to explain it to them.

It just takes too many damn words. Then I end up looking like some kind of crazy, self-absorbed person who just goes on FOREVER without actually getting anywhere. I don't even want to know how many people find me completely annoying. It's probably a lot more than I'd like to think, but on this matter, I'm going to stick with ignorance being bliss.

Funny. I hate it when people talk about depression because every time it gets brought up I feel like laughing my ass off at how stupid people are. Everyone gets down/sad/upset/lonely and humans just love being victims so much they gave it the name "Depression" so someone could cook up more medicines for us to abuse.

Oh, America you little messed up child you.

But I'm off topic, my point is, whether or not I can be labeled "depressed" is completely irrelevant. What IS relevant, is that I'm content to be this way. Frighteningly so. There are quite literally times I feel completely disinclined to be around anyone. It's quite the mystery how I have any friends at all. Someone give them medals for sticking it out this long.

Loneliness is the real kicker. Some days are better than others. I write, go to class, watch movies, read a good book, and just get lost in other stuff, other worlds, other people (Imaginary ones. They seem to like me better). Silence gets to me sometimes. Music helps and sometimes I resort to acting out scenes from my stories like I'm 12. It's fun, lots actually. A lot more fun than it should be for a 21 year old about to graduate college. But I'll manage like I always do and eventually someone will either appreciate me or not (I mean a man. I got too many women in my life as it is).

More writing. More watching. More waiting. I'm getting good at it.

Canvas

There has to be someone up there laughing. 


Like it's all some big, elaborate, well-timed joke. Shiver at my side, pencil in my hand pausing over blank paper, "sleep away" knows exactly how I feel, sunlight tempts me silently, and as for me, well...I'm waiting to see if that "some day it will be" is ever really coming. 


Laugh on my friends, laugh on. 

Uso

"What do you want from me? Just let me breathe a little. What do you want to see? What's in front of your eyes? What do you want to believe? Still nothing can be settled. Hold on to the words you say...It's no good"

When I think about everything, from the beginning to the end, I still can't see it. Maybe that's the point. Maybe it doesn't have to make sense and that's why its so hard to think about. Beyond any kind of pain or sadness, it's that blank space of having no answers, no reasons, no answers to the questions that can drive a person mad. 

I haven't always done things right, Lord knows I've made the wrong decisions, hurt people, not always walked the right road. Hasn't everyone? But sometimes you know that you did the best you could with what you had. Is it too much to take pride in the things you worked hard for? For once I feel justified in saying that I gave my time and effort despite my fears, my uncertainties, my apprehensions. When you dare to step outside the world you know, you take the risk of being left there, staring at the dark without so much as a star to guide you out. It was a risk I was willing to take.

No matter how many mistakes I've made, I don't regret the things that have happened to me. Even if they hurt, even if they aren't great, those are the things that have built me from the ground up. I don't regret it. But this time, just this time...I feel that pang of regret stirring violently in my stomach. Regret for not getting the chance to prove it could be right. For not getting the chance to give my all. And I'm just stuck with it, that feeling. It grinds down my guts with a sickeningly slow pressure. 

How do you take back what you gave with all your strength? The sad truth is that you can't. Nothing erases time, nothing makes it all go away. No matter how much anyone pretends that they can. I just wish I wasn't the only one that understood that. 

In the face of it all, what do I say? In the midst of it all, what do I see?  In the wake of it all, what do I believe? 

Someone please tell me.

"Must be a dream I see, It's like deja vu again. Trying so hard to know inside of you. Staring at your eyes to feel...Wishing to break through to you, but it's a hopeless dream. So cold, you're beside me, smiling...Hey Liar, Hey Lair, this and everything is a lie, Enough already, I'm tired, so tired, What do you think of living without me?"

Waxing Vainly

Easy isn't suppose to exist and therefore it doesn't. Nothing ever is and nothing ever will be. We all know it or at least the evil realist inside us does. And mine knows good and well that nothing in life is easy and this isn't any different. I expected it, was ready for it, waiting for it even. But not a whole lot prepares you for actually living it. It'd be nice to think I'm invincible, that nothing can phase me, nothing can stop me, and nothing can take my joy, ruin my day, steal my smile. But maybe the one thing all this has taught me is the limit of my own smile, laugh, will, and patience. Perhaps even my foundations. Now that's scary. Foundations. The thing/stuff/substance we're made us. 

I can't really say I know what it is has gotten me here, maybe this, maybe that, maybe nothing, maybe everything, or at this point it could just be the silence. That lack of noise in my life. Who could have thought such a thing could chip away at a person? Maybe in a bizarre way this is an incite into a drama queen's drive to create crisis. Sometimes the lack of it can break you down more than anything else. Or at least that's what it seems to be, but I'm certainly not sympathizing with drama queens. 

Screaming, crying, maybe even laughing is what I want to do. Just have a moment to let it all hang out so to speak. But it's an even more bizarre feeling when you've no energy left to scream, no tears left to cry, and no hazard to fuel a laugh. It's like staring at a reflection of yourself having a break down and seeing a stare instead. A blank, unmoving stare. Like an oil painting from back in the day when smiling was for babies and crazy people. More importantly though I realize that I don't want to scream, cry, or laugh. Somehow the blank has become so much more appealing. 

It's even worse when you can see people needling away at you. Trying or maybe not even trying to chip away at that nice lacquer finish you glazed on to keep the cracks from showing. Funny thing is they think they are doing you some grand favor that you'll thank them for later. Too bad they haven't got a clue and you're probably closer to swinging away at their "matter of fact" face. Or worse they genuinely think they're right which might be even more disconcerting. You'd give them a piece of your mind if it wasn't such a complete waste of time and wasting time requires that energy you haven't got. So you give them bobble-head treatment and get on the next train to "Here We Go Again". 

Sad thing is I know there is no room for any of this now. No one wants to hear it, not even me. I'd rather go to the "Unforeseeable Future" than stick around in "All Too Well Known Present" and the damn train just isn't arriving fast enough. So this is the part where I pop in my headphones, go into cruise control, and let the world figure out how fast it wants to go by my windows. (This is exactly what I intend to do by the way.) And hopefully somewhere in the width of the 2400 songs on my Ipod I will finally arrive, step outside, and the rest will lapse into that infamous "History". Until then I'm going to put faith in the thickness of my privacy glass and pray the gas meter doesn't hit 'E' before the end of it all. So here's to Sade's song "In Another Time" and in the words of Lauren Bacall from the ironically titled movie "To Have and Have Not":

 

"I'd walk if it wasn't for all that water."

The Sweetest Privilege

is the memories. 

The rest is just hot air. 

To the Future

My drawing skills were taking a bit of a back seat for a while with...well other stuff. But recently I've been hit by my drawing bug and have decided to do a bunch of little stuff just to keep my hand practiced. Surprisingly I've never drawn chibis before, but decided after trying one (the first of course being Jerimiha in the middle with the green hoodie...you can tell cause he's a bit bigger than everyone else XD) that it was a shit ton of fun. SO! In light of this discovery I decided to draw a huge group of my friends, all with various summer time foods in anticipation of what I hope is the best final summer ever. 


The entire thing took me a few days to finish the outline then about 3-4 days to finish the coloring job. One criticism might be that the color scheme is a bit drab, but give a girl a break people, I'm in Japan with a pack of 25 colored pencils. I tried. And if you really want to know who every one is...sorry can't really do that since I'm A. too lazy to write it all down here and B. it's already on facebook. So this is mostly an entry for my own reference so that I know what I was thinking when I drew this. 

~Mochi

Catalyst Rising

I'd be telling a lie if I said that I believed that good things sometimes just happen to people. Not because I'm cynical or because I don't believe in miracles; on the contrary, I might be one of the few people who still does. But in all honesty I think most of the time I just don't consciously believe that good things can happen to me without a bit of effort on my part. Some things in life are just that way. 

But what I do believe is that you have to know the bottom to appreciate the top. Now, I don't know if I ever really reached the bottom, but I can't help but cross my fingers hoping where I am now is heading towards the top. Maybe because it happened out of no where; I wasn't looking for it to happen and I didn't see it coming. Maybe its just because the best things in life happen when we don't think we're ready. 

Maybe the past few years got me ready for this without me realizing it. God made sure I would understand just how good it was coming by giving me a pile of crap to deal with in the mean time. A year ago I wasn't wise enough, wasn't strong enough, wasn't brave enough to take a chance. To step out of my comfort zone, away from my uncertainty and fears to let someone else try and make me happy. But when I finally took a deep breath and took the plunge, I am left speechless. I almost can't find the words to wrap my mind around how I feel and how nice it is knowing someone out there feels the same.

It's amazing, electrifying, terrifying, magnificent, intense, overwhelming, to name just a few. 

It might even be once in a lifetime and if it is, I just thank all the powers that be that I was at a place in life that I could recognize just how amazing what was being offered to me was. And so now I'm just kind of marveling at it all. It's a bit of a difficult situation because of the time frame in which it all happened, but I wouldn't change a thing. Not one thing. Once we conquer this hurtle, I refuse to let anything stand in the way. It's my turn to do something right.

And besides, the real battle is simply this:  letting yourself be happy.

If this is my last chance to love you,

Then I'm going to play it like a grown girl ought to,

If I've only got one shot to win you,

Then call me Jordan 4th quarter in '92

I'm going to do it

No matter what your friends say

I'm going to do it

Believe me baby, i'm talking about the kinda change

From a girl to a woman,

Like Barrack and his plan

If this is my last chance yeah yeah

Epic Moments

As of late I've really gotten back into my writing and started a few new things just to keep my imagination fresh. Of course they are all just snatches of stories most of the time, but the one I'm working on at this very moment is actually flowing rather nice. 4 chapters and I still feel like I can keep going without too much trouble. That's a good thing for me because I really hate it when I get that awful writers block in the middle of a really good part and can't seem to break it. But anyway, that's not the point, today I feel like sharing some of my "epic moments" that are some of my better little snippets of writing. Most of the time I have NO idea where those parts of my stories come from, but most of the time they are fairly laugh worthy. So here are some of the moments as of late that have amused me and some other people. Enjoy them please~

"He would knock her over the head with his gun if it wasn't busy shooting one of the guards down." ~ From Requiem

"The most he could do was throw a paper weight at one of their heads but somehow he thought that would make a bad first impression on the people now responsible for keeping him alive. 'Let's take good care of the guy that dented my forehead the first time we met'...yeah no, definitely not a good idea." - From Requiem

Why do the Artists Pay the Price

Listening to: "When Will I See You Again" by Babyface
Playing in my head: "Here I Come" by Casting Crowns


*sighs* Once again, I have to wonder at people and their rationales. No matter how old I get or how many times I read headlines about artists being in trouble for a laundry list of apparently "inappropriate" uses of their creative talents, I just have to shake my head. Perhaps my ignorant American side just can't quite bend far enough to see the point of view that is given for why certain things always cause such a fuss. In a world that is supposed to be so advanced and ever evolving, I just have to wonder if people will ever really just...grow up.


There is something so ridiculous about hearing people whine and complain about seeing or hearing something they have full choice to simply not watch or see. To me, something is off center about an artist getting the law laid down on them for what really is just art. Perhaps my art background is simply getting in the way of my thinking or causing a bias, but some things are just blown out of proportion when it comes to what people create. In my short 20 years of life, I've seen the strange, the gross, the creepy, the nasty, the questionable, and even the down right wrong. Naked people, disturbing images, unconventional representations...I've seen it all if you want the truth. From movies, to books, to paintings, to sculpture. I've seen an artist draw a naked man laying bleeding with a knife through his heart on a bed of skulls and people call it a master piece. They praise and lift it high for its ingenuis representation of human form. Meanwhile I simply furrow my eyebrows, turn the other way and go find something more appeasing to my tastes.


There is nothing wrong with me not finding the painting appealing just like there is nothing wrong with the people that DO find it appealing. I'll say that certain taste are more perturbing then others, but who am I to judge? I'm not going to sit here and talk about how wrong it is for people to paint pictures of naked people or how movies have gone too far with their displays of the sexual and grotesque.


But I will say this: Songs about making love/sex do not cause teens to become morally and sexually violated. If you want to get upset about the young people being exposed to sexual and inappropriate content then track down the sex offenders, people making porn videos, and the prostitution circles. Never in my life have I seen more artists getting the slap across the face for talking about making love to people than I have in a day in age when I would say we need to be over the sex thing. It happens. People have it. It's going to continue to happen for many many years and you better be happy about it or else we're going to go extincted (surprise!).


People have been writing about making love since the stone age. BoyzIIMen sings "I'll Make Love to You" and it was one of the most loved songs of all time (one of my personal favorites too). I don't see anyone sending them hate mail. I could list hundreds of songs by artists all singing about that same old intimate experience. Just because another artist sings about the same thing in a different or more intense way, doesn't make them a sexual deviant out to corrupt little kids.It's about an emotion that most, if not all people, want to feel in their lives: love. Sex just happens to be one of the ways people experience that and express it.


And YES, there are people that go too far, so okay then: Tell them that this one is too graphic and one too many descriptive images and keep it moving. There is no need to make an example of them so that everyone is staring like they've never heard of this strange phenomenon called "sex". I've had quite enough of reading headlines about some artist getting the fifth degree from singing about getting hot and heavy with someone. And if it shows up in a performance of the song as a little taste of excitement to spice things up, you know what, if you're so offended, then either don't go or leave. No one is making you listen to it or enjoy it, but SOME people are. So go find another "painting" to gaze at and leave this one for the people who do appreciate it. My goodness you'd think we were all toddlers sometimes the way people go on and on about this stuff.


I, for one, would like to enjoy someone's creative talents as I like without having to worry if it's going to land that artist in the dog house. Let parents educate their kids about moral rightness like their supposed to and let the law handle the ones that REALLY take it too far. Making examples of minor details like they are big accomplishments is really just a sad display of man's inability to set their priorities right.


Even God's good book has a chapter on sex.


~Mochi

A Girl

Playing as I Write: Haru Haru (Acoustic Version) by Big Bang
In my Head: Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer

Change has never been something I handle well. Not necessarily that I will go insane or have a break down any second or anything like that, but it's just never been my strong suit to deal with change; especially with my relationship to people. But if you just give me a bit of time, even a few hours, usually I can pull it together really well and move on even if I'm dying inside.


I'm working on doing that right now but I realize for the first time JUST how terrible I am at handling relationship changes. By relationship I mean in all forms, including friendship or anything else. This particular one was a muddled mess that never really knew what it was, but it was comfortable so I didn't care. And it's about to change. So I'm going to sit here, listen to the acoustic version of Haru Haru play on repeat and sit here till I either get too tired to stay awake or really am alright again. I can't completely understand what they're saying in the song, but maybe in the half understood lyrics, one of them will find a way to show me how to be okay.

Because it is okay. They say that people never change but certainly they do; they move forward, they find new experiences, new likes, dislikes, purposes in life. And it's okay to want good things and strive towards good things so it's not bad that some things have to change. Even in my own life, I want to move forward and work towards the goals and dreams I have with every thing I got to the fullest potential. That will mean change and I am not afraid to face that change if it means I can accomplish my goal. So I can't pass judgement on anyone who wants the same. But it's hard.

Humans are selfish beings. It's not necessarily a bad thing all the time, but for me, for this moment, it certianly is. Today I find my selfish side rearing its ugly head with a vengence so now I'm working hard to reign it back in so that I can go to sleep tonight and not feel that tightening in my stomach. Like this song on repeat, it just keeps going and going and going and I wish I knew how to stop it, but more and more I realize there is no stopping it. I just have to ride the waves and wait for the storm to come to an end. So here's to riding through the storm and making it through to tell about it later.


~Mochi

Oh Giggle Box

Some amusing things people said that I just had to share.

03.12.09
-After Departure Meeting for Full-Year study abroad students-
Shin-san: Something about it is just so ghetto to me.
Mochi: *didn't hear beginning of the conversation* @_@ Did you just say ghetto??
Shin-san: Haha, what? It's true!
Mochi: Wait, what are you saying is ghetto??
Shin-san: Waffle House
Mochi and plenty others: XDXDXDXD Naruhodo.

03.12.09
-At lunchtime in cafeteria with Jenni, Melon, and Yousuke-
Melon: *trying to explain what the New England region of America is to Yousuke using hand motions among other things*

Mochi: *notices Yousuke looks confused* Don't listen to her, she's a strange person.
Melon: EE?! But I'm just trying to explain it! *looks at Yousuke and everyone* Why am I strange?
Yousuke: *in very amused voice* No no I think you are interesting
Melon: XO...
All others: XD *laughs out loud*

05.11.09

-At dinner with host family about to eat some chocolates shaped like sumo wrestlers-

Mochi: *in Japanese* "what if we split it in half?"

Host Sister: *nods* "Yeah!"

Mochi: *picks up knife and starts to cut it in half* "Yosh..." *cuts firmly in half*

Host Mother: "Ah! Sepuku!" (aka: Japanese ritual suicide)

Date Unknown

-At Nagano trip orientation taking about filling out food restrictions-

Shin-san: "Please, whatever you say you aren't going to eat, don't eat it. Some people will say they don't eat pork but then see something that looks good with pork and say...'oh, it looks so good...you know what, fuck it!' and eat it anyway. That just confuses the staff."

03.27.10
Me: Well you never tell me what you like me to wear.
Baywatch: I just love the female body. It's God's gift to the world; the female body. God made Adam and he was alright, but when he made Eve, he got it right. 

Talk Good American

A list of things that genuinely came out of our mouths either on purpose or entirely on accident. Be entertained by what entertained us.

25.09.09

"Get your Eigo on!" -Mochi

27.09.09

Mochi- "My back really hurts today."

Melon- *looks over at hot guy's table* "Go lay down on his table then."

Mochi- "...what?"

1.10.09
-looking at a picture of Mochi and her friends dressed up for Reniassance Festival-
Mochi- "My costume was a dragon slayer."
Melon- "You look like you're about to go poison someone's apple."

26.09.09
-On the train to Harajuku-
*talking about Asian people*
Melon: "Yeah, that's such an Asian thing...wait...I am Asian..."
Mochi: "Did you seriously just forget that???"
Melon: "...yes?"

30.10.09
-Talking about Japan's train system-
Melon: "I mean, I love getting on crowded trains."
Mochi: *in creepy, calculated voice while drilling fingertips* "Yeees, 'cause you never know what will happen..."
Melon: O_o "....Eeee?"

21.10.09 In Nagano, Japan at the Ryokan with Mochi, Melon, and two friends

-In our room, there was a mirror hidden behind two sliding panels. But because of its level to the ground, when we opened it, we all scared ourselves thinking someone was looking into our room-
Blonde Friend: *talking to Melon about her talking about "killing herself" from embarrassment* "Why don't you go open that mirror and see if you can scare yourself to death."


-Melon realized that when she likes someone she is completely obvious about it-
Melon: "Why do you have to make me sound so terrible!?"
Mochi: "What?! It's not my fault you don't have a discreet mode."

-About a guy friend's eating habits-
Melon: "You know, he really is always eating."
Dark Haired Friend: "That's 'cause you are always feeding him."

An Utter Conundrum

I'm sure that everyone must wonder about this question. A question that is an essential part of life and that continues to enthrall and yet baffle the mind. It's a much talked about question and one that will most likely never be answered:

What is the other sex thinking?

Yes folks, this age old question is the obvious winner on the list of things that frustrate the average person. Millions of questions that have flitted through people's minds make up this one simple sounding bafflement. It may seem that you can guess is on that person's mind but you could guess to high heaven and never really know for sure.

You always wonder just what so-and-so is thinking especially in regards to yourself and especially so if you want to look at this person in a romantic or even just lustful sort of way. You just have to wonder how they see you and if they have any attraction to you too. Or if they do approach you, you wonder what their motives are and what sort of outcome they're seeking. Do they want a relationship in the end or do they just want a one night stand? It's just so confusing to figure out what they want from you especially when you want something in particular as well.

And then you have to wonder about the way they act towards you. If they're super sweet then you wonder if it's all part of their game to get you to go to a hotel/home with them. But if they are distant you wonder why they're with you at all. And then there's the waiting game that's played if numbers or e-mails have been exchanged. If you received the info then you have to wonder how long to wait before contacting them so that you don't seem desperate or eager but you can't wait too long or they might give up on you. And if you give away your info you have to just sit and wait and hope that they do contact you if you are interested.

I guess the way that people behave in these situations and they way they think just speaks volumes about the way people think in general. Just based on how a person perceives another's actions can tell you a lot about them. You can sort of tell how much self-esteem a person. Although if you like the other person there's no way you help but start questioning your own attractiveness even if you normally are very confident.

I guess my point is that the opposite sex (or the same sex if that's your cup of tea XD ) is way confusing and your self-esteem can be easily affected by them. But it's part of life so no one can escape from it unless you have no interest in love or relationships but then if that's the case, I'd have to think you are a weirdo.

So what's with this random topic?

I'm waiting to see if this guy I met a club is going to e-mail me. *sigh*

He's a super sweet guy although appearance-wise I wouldn't give him a second look if I just saw him in a crowd (aside from the fact that he's pretty tall~). I think I'm more afraid for my self-esteem if he doesn't e-mail than about missing out on him specifically.

Oh well, I guess I can just cross my fingers and wait!

- Melon

Promise

I promise to be strong and drive forward to the end. No matter what obstacles, no matter what blocks my way. No matter who says it can't be done and no matter if the wind blows to push me away. I don't care about the chances or the probability. I don't care about the odds that stack up or the waves that rise to wash me off course. People can laugh at me, people can talk about me, let them say what they like. I will find a way.

Because it's not just my dream and its not just my hopes and its not just my fear. There is a handful of people that wait for the day when I can stand under those lights and see it wasn't all for nothing. I will not let them down, I refuse to fail because people are counting on me. And more than that, I have to believe in myself. In who I am and what I can do because with the strong determination I was once named for, I can succeed. I can be, with the strength God gave me, exactly who I strive to be.

So thank you to the friends that didn't let me fall. To the boy that loved me in his own way even to today no matter how it pained us. To the girl who trains each moment of her life to stand besides me. To the girl who never let me cry alone even though she never got to stand by my side all those times. To the girl who had the courage to live and in turn, gave me courage to live too. To the anthem of their cheers in my soul that won't let me rest until it is done. This I promise: Watch me rise. From a dream, to a desire, to a reality.

~Mochi

The Dream to Reality

There comes a time in every young couples time together when the situation calls for a special moment of sacred-ness. It could be a peak in emotions or various other complex and at the same time, simple motivators. But either way, when the moment strikes, there is always a reason for why it happened then and there opposed to other locations around this large world. Fate? Destiny? Hard to say really, but either way when one is lucky enough to experience the joys of such moments, it is as if the entire world has simply slowed to accomodate your happiness. What a joyous occasion.

However, if you are the unforunate one that has never experienced this or have not the oppurtunity for lack of said relationship in the first place, well you are then only able to look on as a forlorn spectator wondering when it's your turn. Rest assured, it will come in due time and course when you least expect it and appreciate it the most, but it is rather frustrating to look on knowing you can't experience it yourself yet.

On a park bench in Makuhari, Chiba, Japan in the middle of the night in the park between Baytown and Kaihin Makuhari station, one such moment transpired. In the dark it was difficult to see the finer details but my fellow Melon and I got to be far off observers. Of course we got a bit of a giggle off of having accidentally stumbled upon a private moment and we did eventually leave to give them absolute privacy. However, it made the pang somewhere inside throb a bit more than usual to see it happening. But of course we wish them luck and happiness where ever this course takes them in life.

Later we happened upon the bench again just in passing and we both shared a good laugh and smile at remembering it. And at the same time, it gives that longing feeling. So here we salute the bench and all that it gives service to. The dream, the desire, the reality.

The Truth Can Be Found in Lies

How devastatingly simple is it to lie.

Grasping at words from thin air to alter the truth and create an alternate reality. Honestly, people don't question anything, do they...

How much simpler it is when those you deceive are those who do not know who you truly are...playing a role in order to appease those around you and to make yourself well-liked.

You offer up the words that you know will please and they believe you without a moment's hesitation. You could make a world of fake friends with the lies that they will believe.

You can get away with anything if the lie is reasonable enough. If it only masks who you truly are or what you truly think, then who is to know otherwise.

How many people lie in order to escape the truth and have others believe them? What about the people who lie praying that someone catches them?

It's hard to spin lies and know that no one will catch you. You pretend that someone will notice and someone will confront you, but being far from home and far from those who know, no one questions what you say and what excuses you make.

I lie because I don't want to be me...but I lie because I want someone to find me.

- Melon

A Serious Matter

tOne of the most amazing symbols of Japanese male presence is the hair clip. Unlike other cultures where this is a sure sign of, dare I say it...homosexuality! (gasp) here, it is a sign of anticipation of hard work or an attempt to preserve those lovely, luxuriously styled bangs that come down to the fringe of the eyes from being socked with moisture. On a rainy day or within the realm of sports or even in daily life activities where the perfected bangs become an imperment to vision or accuracy, the hair clips emerge. And they come in all shapes sizes and styles.

And what we`re saying is not just limited to the common everyday Japanese young man (between the ages of 14-30), as a matter of fact, some of the finest examples of the elusive but infamous hair clip method are people of quite well known standing. Don`t believe us?

Examples: Kamenashi Kazuya (KAT-KUN) , Kim Junsu (DBSK/TVXQ/Tohoshinki), Yamashita Tomohisa (NewS) just to name a few

Oh and when they do it, you know there is a little bubble of excitement that rises up inside your little stomach knowing they are either sweating, getting rained on, or doing something that otherwise will make YOU sweat. But perhaps the finest example of the all too amazing hair clip is none other than Kim Jaejoong of DBSK/TVXQ/Tohoshinki. Oh, has he mastered the very tedious act of pinning one`s bangs back. You know when those bangs get clipped in the backside direction and his very rarely seen forehead is shown to the world, well in the words of Melon, "things are about to get serious". Having troubles picturing it? Let us help you.

*DBSK prepares to play a game of badminton on a TV show*

YH: Alright guys, Yoochun and I are on a team and Junsu, you`re with Changmin. Jaejoong, be the judge.

JS: Wait, wasn`t badminton Jaejoong-hyung`s sport in high school?

CM: Haha, does that even count?

JJ: Shut up! Of course it counts *looks sulky and glares at Changmin* I`ll have you know I was an ace.

YC: *descreetly to Yunho* They have aces in badminton....?

YH: *shrugs* Uh, anyway! How about which ever team wins this match plays against Jaejoong to decide the champion?

CM: Is that even a contest?

JJ: Of course it is! I`ll beat you single handedly!

*Team Yunho plays Team Junsu*

*Team Yunho wins*

YH: Alright Jaejoong, that means we play you for the title.

CM: Oh brother...

JJ: That`s right prepare to be shamed! *pushes up sleeves and grabs racket from bench* This might not even be fair for you *test swings racket excitedly*

CM: He is way too excited about this...

*Start to play and in a few minutes the score is 3:1 in favor of Team Yunho*

YH: I thought you were an ace, Jaejoong? *snickers*

JJ: *winded* Alright...I didn`t want to have to do this but...you leave me no choice

YC, JS, CM, YH: O_o....??

J: Time to get serious *clips back bangs* Let`s do this!

YC, JS, CM, YH:..................................................*la sigh*

Miso. Rain. Me.

As I write: "Everything" by Lifehouse
Playing in my head: "Never be the Same" by Red

Today my host mother told me there is a typhoon coming and by Thrusday it should be at its full force. But she also said it's not something to fear or be too worried for. She assured me they are nothing like hurricanes and happen often although the one coming is suppose to be large. It'll rain for days until its tired itself out and be gone with the rest of the wind. So she just smiled and said, "don't worry". So I'm not.

Somehow today I felt that the rain made me think of a lot of things in my life. Rain always makes me think that way. It's pouring down like nobody's business and just goes on and on and on. I hate rain because it ruins my hair and makes everything just moist and damp. It ruins perfectly good days and makes me do laundry more often, especially when I have to ride to school in it. I love it in stories because it creates a mood all by itself and washes away while at the same time starts something new. I use it all the time in my writing and enjoy a good storm inside a book. But for me, myself, and I who has no amazing happenstances to occur in it, I just hate it.

But today I looked out the window and somehow didn't really hate it. It made me just feel right. It's a pretty twisted feeling considering it didn't particularly make me feel good or bad. Just right. Rain follows me around it seems, but when it's here, it's just part of this place I suppose. So much of my life feels that way.

Just like miso soup.

My host father came home late cause its his long work day and he is drinking miso soup while I got ready to wash up for the night. And I thought it'd be nice to have some right then and there. But that's just how it is. Sometimes I can drink the salty soup with whatever its got in it, whether that be tofu or mushrooms, and genuinely enjoy its acquired taste. But then some days I can't even stand to let the bitter flavor touch my tongue much less go down to my stomach. So much of me is that way. And now that I'm sitting here while it pours outside, I'm wondering if my life is always going to be like that bowl of miso soup.

And of course with a side order of rain outside and Tohoshinki singing in the background through my headphones. Some things just follow me it seems. That and a hazel eyed boy that stands across the street holding an umbrella looking angry at me for not sharing it with him. Or maybe that's just a dream.

~Mochi