Sunday, June 20, 2010


"What do you want from me? Just let me breathe a little. What do you want to see? What's in front of your eyes? What do you want to believe? Still nothing can be settled. Hold on to the words you say...It's no good"

When I think about everything, from the beginning to the end, I still can't see it. Maybe that's the point. Maybe it doesn't have to make sense and that's why its so hard to think about. Beyond any kind of pain or sadness, it's that blank space of having no answers, no reasons, no answers to the questions that can drive a person mad. 

I haven't always done things right, Lord knows I've made the wrong decisions, hurt people, not always walked the right road. Hasn't everyone? But sometimes you know that you did the best you could with what you had. Is it too much to take pride in the things you worked hard for? For once I feel justified in saying that I gave my time and effort despite my fears, my uncertainties, my apprehensions. When you dare to step outside the world you know, you take the risk of being left there, staring at the dark without so much as a star to guide you out. It was a risk I was willing to take.

No matter how many mistakes I've made, I don't regret the things that have happened to me. Even if they hurt, even if they aren't great, those are the things that have built me from the ground up. I don't regret it. But this time, just this time...I feel that pang of regret stirring violently in my stomach. Regret for not getting the chance to prove it could be right. For not getting the chance to give my all. And I'm just stuck with it, that feeling. It grinds down my guts with a sickeningly slow pressure. 

How do you take back what you gave with all your strength? The sad truth is that you can't. Nothing erases time, nothing makes it all go away. No matter how much anyone pretends that they can. I just wish I wasn't the only one that understood that. 

In the face of it all, what do I say? In the midst of it all, what do I see?  In the wake of it all, what do I believe? 

Someone please tell me.

"Must be a dream I see, It's like deja vu again. Trying so hard to know inside of you. Staring at your eyes to feel...Wishing to break through to you, but it's a hopeless dream. So cold, you're beside me, smiling...Hey Liar, Hey Lair, this and everything is a lie, Enough already, I'm tired, so tired, What do you think of living without me?"

1 comment:

  1. You're right chica, we all make mistakes-and sometimes you can't help but just to sit and regret. Opportunity collides with our wants and sometimes we lose sight of if we are making judgment with our heart or mind.And that goes for both sides.I still am trying to figure out under what circumstances to use either/both because it has gotten me into so much trouble.And I'm still trying to figure out why things had to turn out the way they have.What started out as me assuming God put this guy in my life to be my boyfriend, because he was pampering me and wanted to be with me to go to do all the stuff no one else would make time for to do with me (and we had the big discussion/rules laid down before we started dating too,etc); it was not meant to be so. What I had been wanting for years presented itself before me and I took it, while ignoring all the things that are important for a stable relationship.Well, not ignoring,but thinking his background/ upbringing and my example would get through to him. But truth is:God HAS to be number one. You can't ask God for something all day and night and then He's not the basis for the relationship-it's the riskiest thing ever. What we know,is not what the guys we like know-they have no clue how hard we take things and what risks we think we are taking.

    I know this has probably all been said to you by me or another,but I want you to know you're NOT the only one. For the past year and a half I went from giving it my all to having a boyfriend and making tons of new friends, to realizing the terrible traps we all as limited beings let ourselves fall into.I currently have a limited amount of friends now and half of them I really don't ever want to see anymore, my ex is back with his ex girlfriend making me the rebound girl( I didn't even get to have my friend back which I wanted more then all this hardship of dating him),because I was putting my all into a person I truly cared about too many other areas collapsed including my attention to family and we both know about my sister's pain and loss,regret because my sadness gave me a party that led to a whole new flock of problems between friends,etc.
    My point is:I lost a lot to risk and regret.And you're not the only one who understands that.I fell apart.I was sick for a long time and I still deal with depression and major pessimism.Right now,after 11 months,I'm at the point that I don't know if I have extreme apathy or if I am at peace with myself-but I do know that sometimes when I look at simple things (even the slightest moments) I want to cry my eyes out.

    So how do you take back what you gave with all your strength? A foolish person would say with authority, but we are foolish people that put too much into other people- so really it's piece by piece we rebuild ourselves with the help of God. Go to him with all your questions and concerns-answers may not come back right away though.If you sad,tell Him,if your mad at Him,tell him,but don't forget His love for you. And hope it doesn't take something like a car accident to get you to start really trying again like it did me.
    I'm still waiting for questions to be answered and reasons to be given, but I believe that all things work out for the good of those who love Him and that if even the smallest animals on this planet at taken care of:how much more are we to Him?