Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Girl

Playing as I Write: Haru Haru (Acoustic Version) by Big Bang
In my Head: Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer

Change has never been something I handle well. Not necessarily that I will go insane or have a break down any second or anything like that, but it's just never been my strong suit to deal with change; especially with my relationship to people. But if you just give me a bit of time, even a few hours, usually I can pull it together really well and move on even if I'm dying inside.

I'm working on doing that right now but I realize for the first time JUST how terrible I am at handling relationship changes. By relationship I mean in all forms, including friendship or anything else. This particular one was a muddled mess that never really knew what it was, but it was comfortable so I didn't care. And it's about to change. So I'm going to sit here, listen to the acoustic version of Haru Haru play on repeat and sit here till I either get too tired to stay awake or really am alright again. I can't completely understand what they're saying in the song, but maybe in the half understood lyrics, one of them will find a way to show me how to be okay.

Because it is okay. They say that people never change but certainly they do; they move forward, they find new experiences, new likes, dislikes, purposes in life. And it's okay to want good things and strive towards good things so it's not bad that some things have to change. Even in my own life, I want to move forward and work towards the goals and dreams I have with every thing I got to the fullest potential. That will mean change and I am not afraid to face that change if it means I can accomplish my goal. So I can't pass judgement on anyone who wants the same. But it's hard.

Humans are selfish beings. It's not necessarily a bad thing all the time, but for me, for this moment, it certianly is. Today I find my selfish side rearing its ugly head with a vengence so now I'm working hard to reign it back in so that I can go to sleep tonight and not feel that tightening in my stomach. Like this song on repeat, it just keeps going and going and going and I wish I knew how to stop it, but more and more I realize there is no stopping it. I just have to ride the waves and wait for the storm to come to an end. So here's to riding through the storm and making it through to tell about it later.


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